Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Drive like no one is watching.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Still laughing at this stupid meme
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…