Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY