Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

They grow up so quick

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one