Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something