I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
they see me scrollin
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
New tinder profile pic
