Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I’m crying im so happy for them

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.