Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
This made me smile…
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.