[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Just how popey was the pope today?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.