When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
life finds a way
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?