Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

😂😂

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

quarantine day 3

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”