We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.