People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol