That’s easy for you to say
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this