No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Joseph Smith, 1833
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol