Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

why would tinder want me to say this

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Realize this:

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart