If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
New Tinder profile.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
imagine getting destroyed like this
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge