I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
that’s really how it is
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.