I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You Might Also Like
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history