Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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~my stomach

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”