When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to