Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

out-housing market appears to be strong

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

I feel it

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe