Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need it on priority

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Mission: Impossible

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.