Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

never deleting this app.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

This probably isn’t good

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

me irl

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3