I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.