I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You Might Also Like
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Writing, She Murdered.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.