Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

But wait…

look at me when i’m typing to you

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

The median voter

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring