I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ