Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.