my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
You Might Also Like
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
