i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
You Might Also Like
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
la cocaina
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Need this in my life lol
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”