i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks