Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
honey, bring out the fine china.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno