Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

WHO DID THIS?

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”