Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

We like the way Dwight thinks

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Before & after 😅

Who called it baking and not making love

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago