Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Why is everyone getting married at me

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…