They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Bear
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.