It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
According to math, I’m broke
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
