Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving