Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.