If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The glory of fall.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack