4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
If you had more money you’d be happier.