If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit