I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
