Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.