Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.