The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”