Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.