Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

This is so me 😂😂

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.