Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
some things should go without saying
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”