Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?