6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My dog learned how to text
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.